Two years and four months plus countless therapy hours into his life, Brooks said his own name for the very first time this past week. It was an incredible moment, and one I don't think any of us realized would be so emotional. I keep replaying the first time over and over in my head. Luckily he seems to love his name SO much that he's very happy to say it, for now.
Of particular interest to me is that when he finally said it, it came out as "Bwooksie". Now, we fully anticipated it being "Bwooks", or even "Books" - but "Bwooksie" took me by surprise. The easier choice would have definitely been "Books" or "Bwooks", but he very clearly identifies as Brooksie, our favorite nickname for him.
Now imagine that - being just over two years old, with so many challenges, and yet you clearly know who you are. You have an identity that you've chosen. That takes my breath away, to be perfectly honest. Because here I am, about to turn 40 in the New Year, and well - I don't know who I am. I know who parts of me are: the caretaker to Abbey & Brooks, a wife of almost 10 years, a (really crappy most of the time) friend... but I struggle with what makes Andrea, Andrea these days.
This also perfectly ties into where I left off in my last article, pondering how I can be a better friend, how I can feel more connected to those around me, and how I can stop feeling so alone in the middle of the world. Right? So. During this speech explosion from Brooks, I also found the answer to that question; how to stop feeling so alone. It's really obvious, of course. It just took hearing me hearing it from a friend, and in a different context.
Basically, the answer is getting out of ourselves. Just doing, instead of thinking. Taking care of people, each other, in the little ways we know how. So that's what I've been trying to do. In between physical therapy, and occupational therapy, and speech therapy, and dance class, and craft fairs, and gathering the now thousands of pages of medical records I need to get his application to a new hospital going - oh, and did I mention the cat is sick?
In between all that... because all that is, really, is just life, I started making the conscious decision to stop thinking and start doing. Instead of dwelling on feeling left out, or sad because my life doesn't look like it used to - instead of focusing on ME (something I do quite well, I've learned), I started focusing on those around me, beginning with those physically closest to me. And an amazing thing started to happen. I started to remember that mine aren't the biggest problems, that I'm not being excluded or shunned because "my kid can't eat/do/say/be that", and that I'm not losing friends left and right. That everything in the world is as it has always been, it's just up to me to see it and to bend to it. Do instead of think. So there it is. The answer to all my questions, right? For now. ;)
And if anyone else out there is need of a little doing right now too, message me. Email me. Find me in our It Takes A Village Facebook group. I will absolutely find something for you to do, with a little help from my friends.
Happy Holidays, everyone. And happy doing.
XO
Andrea
